As a result of my latest bout of community service, I'm required to help the kids of this area with some safety tips. So, here's the 4th of July Fireworks Safety Tips PSA... hopefully this will satisfy the Man.
First rule of thumb, fireworks are time-honored 4th of July tradition, but they can be dangerous. So, children, never handle fireworks unless supervised by an adult or dared by a cooler kid. I remember this one time in school, Joe Emmert offered me 50 bucks to light a fart with a firecracker. He wrestled, so I did it. I swear to God I did, but I didn’t time it right. About blew the stripes off my Zubaz…
OK, number two, alcohol and fireworks do not mix, so do all drinking beforehand. Remember, chug ‘em before you light ‘em. Also, cherry bombs make excellent alarm clocks for winos and homeless people. I swear to God I’ve knocked the change out of their cups before.
OK, if you have to cross state lines to get your fireworks, remember to pick up a couple cartons of discount smokes while you’re there.
Don’t point bottle rockets at your nerd friends. Nerds are small, they’re vulnerable. Slow moving fats kids make much better targets. I swear to God they do. You get extra points if you hit their lunch box.
Before shooting off fireworks inside a car, make sure it’s a rental. And never shoot fireworks at my boat; I swear to God I’ll take you to court…
Don’t light off fireworks around animals, man, that ain’t cool. They don’t like to be disturbed. But what is cool is finding a good dead opossum or dead squirrel. Road kill works great because the rigor mortis acts like a vice grip. I swear to God it does.
And finally, if an M-80 blows your hand off, remember to use the opposite hand to pick up the detached appendage. Otherwise, you’ll look like a big wuss in front of your friends; they’ll bust your chops all the way to emergency room.
So remember, a little common sense will make your 4th of July an enjoyable, safe, and memorable experience. I gotta go...
(by the way... the preceding was completely and totally ripped off (and slightly paraphrased) from the Bob & Tom Show... I wish I would've thought of it first)
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1 comment:
You forgot to add the annual "Martin on L Street Extravaganza". For those who would rather avoid going up in flames in their lawn chairs while others laugh uncontrollably. After all, artillery shells actually hitting the sky is pretty much a crap shoot.....right?
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